I didn’t realize it has been well over a month since my last post. I’ve been through a myriad of thoughts and emotions during this time period. I am 4 days away from the RPAO and hip scope surgery. I’ve been waiting many months for this which has taught me even more about patience and has given me a lot of time to reflect on the past 4 years, as well as my whole life in general, but I’ll get to my reflections in a bit.
Physically I have went downhill these last weeks. I still never fully recovered from the hip move Dr Ellis did July 31 (the one that left me realizing without a doubt that I needed this surgery). I started using the cane outside of my house about a month after that visit and have continued to since then, and this week have even pulled out my Mobileg crutches when having to do long distances (ex. going through Toys R Us Christmas shopping). My hip instability has just slowly gotten worse and worse over these last weeks. It probably didn’t help that I have been a shopping, decorating, and cooking maniac trying get everything ready for Christmas and my daughter’s birthday (which is 3 days before Christmas) as well as for surgery. I have prepared and frozen 8 large meals so I’m hoping that will help my hubby out some. Last surgery his parents came and lived with us for 7 weeks which was awesome! They did everything for us and took care of the kids, he just had to work, grocery shop, and take care of me. This time although they will not be here my kids are 1.5 years older and in school (although they have 6 days off at Thanksgiving and 2 weeks at Christmastime, yikes!) at 6 and almost 8 years old so thankfully they will be easier and more independent than last time. These kids have been so good going with the flow and learning to be independent with things so much earlier than most kids their ages. We will also have my mom several hours a day (before and after school to help out with the kids and some cooking), but I know that things will be different and the stress level will be pretty high. I think I mentioned before that we are hosting a high school exchange student this year as well. We committed to this last winter before we knew for sure this PAO would be necessary so that’s a little more added stress as well as things are not going quite as expected with that. Anyways, I have done all I possibly can to get things ready around here, and am unfortunately paying the price for it physically. I was using my SI belt to try and hold my hip better in the socket, and it did help for awhile, but this past week it started making things worse instead of better, so I stopped using it again.
I have been doing my 3-4 basic glute PT exercises at least every other day, as well as a couple of planks and some basic upper body stuff with my bands to try and keep my core and upper back from getting too weak while waiting on surgery. It’s not enough though, as I can feel myself getting weaker, but if I try and add anything else in my routine it just flares my hip up even more. I’ve also continued to get myofascial PT every 2 weeks to try and give myself a little relief (which is lasting less and less days again, kind of like before every surgery I’ve had).
This weekend we are going to a concert tomorrow night with my daughter and friends (her first concert-we are going to see TobyMac who she really likes so we are all very excited) and church, but other than those things I’m just laying low and trying not to flare myself up too much. I plan to use crutches at the concert as not to put too much pressure walking, but I know I will flare some from standing and attempting to “dance” while enjoying the music. Monday night we head to Columbus, then Tuesday morning I head into the hospital. My anticipated discharge will be Friday, but last time I stayed an extra day due to very low blood pressure so I’m thinking it will either be Friday or Saturday to come home. I have all the equipment from all of my other surgeries, so I just have to bring it all up from the basement and we should be good to go. My parents are coming to stay with the kids next week, so praying for patience for everyone here at the house.
People keep asking me how I feel about the upcoming surgery. I have mixed emotions on it. I’m ready to be on the other side of it because I am so sick of the pain I’ve lived with so long, that seems to be getting worse these last weeks, but I also know what to expect afterwards and remember how bad it was to have a broken pelvis and be so dependent on everyone for everything (even getting up/down out of bed/off of couch). I know it needs to be done, I’ve seen the positive results from my LPAO 1.5 years ago, but I also know it took a good 3-4 months to feel not too bad, and a good year+ to feel “ok” in that hip. I will say that honestly I am looking forward to being under general anesthesia to be completely pain free for those hours (projected surgery time is 5-6 hours). Call me crazy I know:)
It’s been over a year since my right hip scope that we can now officially say failed. I think in this journey of 4 years I’ve grown and learned the most in the past year, particularly in the last 7 months. Most days I’ve learned to relinquish control and fully trust God. Some days I backslide, but instead of breaking down crying and being a mess, I put on some loud worship music and praise God or spend time just talking to him and praying my way through the days. I’ve spent countless hours doing this on days when I am doing things and when I have quiet/reflective time. I always end up in a lighter and much more positive mood after this. I spend a lot of time alone which would have driven me crazy in the past, but I actually like the alone time I’m spending with God now.
I feel like such a different person now than I used to be, a much better person in so many ways. Trying to live a life for God vs. living life for myself has made me a much more peaceful person. Where doubts, fear, and anxiety ruled my thoughts much of the time before, when those try and come in I turn to the Lord who releases those things from me. I realize now that had my scope been successful, had I been healed and well within the 6-12 months that people normally recover and move on I would not have grown this close to God, would not have gone through so many of the changes I have gone through, and I would not be the person I am today (which is sooooo much better than the person I used to be). My marriage is stronger, my husband has grown closer to the Lord and in his faith, our priorities are very different than they were before, and we now have a clearer vision of how we want to raise our kids in these times of change in the world. When people say to me “you’ve been through so much” I agree that I have, but it’s not in vain, not without purpose. Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” So even though I wouldn’t have chosen this road for myself, He has chosen it for me, and it has worked for good in many ways, and even though I get weary and down on this journey at times, I wouldn’t change it or take it back because SO much good has come out of it. He knows better than I what I need and what is best, His plans sometimes are so much bigger than what we can see. I just need to keep trusting Him and keeping my faith in Him and His plans. God knew/knows what I need(ed) in order to change into the person who he intended me to be, and I am open to letting him continue to changing me and preparing me for what he has for me to do in this life, and also for what lies ahead beyond this life. I’ve come to an abandonment of my plans in order to follow his plans for me.
Deep stuff for a Friday night, but I felt it was necessary to share, especially to those who are struggling in their own lives and feel hopeless in their situations. I’ve been there, I’ve been through the storm, I’ve been through deep depression, I’ve been hopeless and have felt like giving up, like dying to get out of the awful pain, but turning to God who has shown his faithfulness over and over again and has given me the strength to get up and keep going even on the hardest days and He has rewarded me not with a quick healing, not with a fixed body, not even with a pain-free day, but with love, hope, patience, endurance, and a new sense of peace deep in my soul. I wish all my friends and family could experience this, which is why I am sharing this tonight.
So the next time I blog I will be on the other side of this surgery, probably on heavy narcotics (so the post may be a little loony so please forgive me ahead of time). I’m hoping everything goes smooth, but it’s all in God’s hands. I ask if you are a praying person (which I’m assuming if you are still reading at this point you probably are) to say a prayer for me on Tuesday morning, that there will be no surprises, that surgery goes smoothly, that pain is controlled well, and I have been praying for supernatural healing (which I know Is possible with God). Thank you for reading as always, signing off with Love to all who read this, hoping that the Lord too can touch your life the way he has touched mine.