Back on crutches

I realized the other day that it had been almost a month since I’ve updated here, so decided it was time. In a nutshell the non-operated hip is falling apart.  It got to the point where I was unable to go to stores and do pretty much anything because the hip rotators just tightened so much with trigger points they were causing a lot of pain, and then pulling my whole pelvis and low back out of alignment.  Bad SI pain, low back pain, hip pain, and as usual the horrible nerve pain in mostly left leg (operated one) and some in right.  I put myself back on crutches a little over a week ago and that has helped me to be able to run out to a store for 1/2-1 hour and walk with a tolerable level of pain.  Unweighting the right (bad, non-op) hip has helped a lot.  At home I don’t always use them, or only use one out of convenience, and I feel the difference in how my hip and its surrounding muscles react.  So as much as a pain it is to use crutches, they kind of give me a little bit of a life outside my house, so I will keep using them until surgery, and then use them again until I can walk ok without pain (hoping 3 weeks like last time, but we’ll see).  I am seeing the new PT 1/2 hour away once a week for graston and manual therapy to my operated leg to bust up some scar tissue and tightness, as well as my myofasical PT still once a week, and my ART chiro once a week.  It is a lot of manual therapy I realize, but my body is still a mess…..not as much of a mess as it was 6 months ago, but still a very big mess.  I don’t expect any of these things to “fix” me right now before surgery, but they are helping to manage my pain and compensatory muscle issues until I get surgery, when I expect them to finally be able to work and hold as I get strong!

I am not working, but feel pretty busy the 3 days I am without my youngest.  On my PT day it’s a 2-2 1/2 ordeal due to the drive and parking garage.  I’ve also had all of my usual annual dr appts the last few weeks to get all that stuff out-of-the-way for the year.  Plus my other weekly therapy appts I mentioned above.  I also joined a women’s study type group at church that meets bi-monthly which I enjoyed greatly the first meeting last week.  Add in cooking dinner and doing laundry and light house work, I get an hour or two a day of “down” time at most before my daughter gets off the bus.  I’m not complaining, it makes the days go fast.

I am REALLY looking forward to the surgery and being on the other side, but I am also trying to enjoy each day as it is here and passes because I don’t know what the next day will bring.  Not taking things for granted, loving on and spending more time with my kids, taking more time to appreciate my husband, and trying to have a little socialization (with a few friends and through church). I have no idea what my future holds, I feel like the whole next  year is up in the air, and then after that I cannot even try to comprehend, but for the first time in my life I am ok with not having control, ok with not having my set plans, ok with seeing where God takes me on this journey and waiting to see what he wants me to do with it all.  I was reading some Proverbs in the Bible last week and one said (not direct quote because I can’t remember the exact wording) -we make our plans, but God directs our paths-.  That has really stuck with me this week, the raw truth in that Proverb.  Making no plans is not good, but I have to understand that even when I make them, it doesn’t guarantee that they will happen.  I am also reading a new book that is called “When God Interrupts: Finding New Life Through Unwanted Change.” I only read chapter 1 so far, but wow, this book is really hitting me hard so far.  The author says “I have become convinced that Christianity is fundamentally an experience in losing the lives of our dreams in order to receive the lives Jesus died to give us”……………….”If Christians are truly willing to leave everything to follow him, then they will, in fact, eventually leave everything.  Either voluntarily or involuntarily, either by design or by accident, a day when come when they  realize they only have Jesus.”  I think this is close to or at rock bottom for so many people, including myself.  I’ve heard things along these lines before in books and sermons at church but wasn’t ever willing to truly give up all my dreams, my thoughts, my plans, etc……until now. I kept thinking my way was better, but it’s not.  Somewhere in this journey of chronic pain and misery I’m pretty sure I’ve hit rock bottom several times.  It’s those moments I realized it was only Jesus that I had left.  Sure family was around, but not the way I expected and wanted, but I realize now what I wanted and expected from them was something impossible, something they could never give me.  I’m still on my journey moving towards God, and am far from where I want to be, but I think now I am finally moving in the right direction.  Thanks for reading, will update around time of scope date of Oct. 22nd.

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