Well today at week 9 I’m feeling like I should have called my blog “dysfunctionalbody.wordpress.com” because I am realizing now that hips are only part of the issues I have. Right now I feel like my entire body is fighting me, with each part trying to do it’s own things instead of all parts trying to work together collectively.
I’ve been sitting here trying to describe in details what I mean by that last paragraph, but it’s just too much to put into words, and myself and my PT are trying to find a happy medium for my body….what I can tolerate to do to get stronger without freaking out the other hip and my sacrum. In a nutshell my body has probably not been right for many years (hence all the neck and upperback pain I’ve hand for at least 10 years that I just choose to live with and not address) and the more stress I put on my body (back/SI joint injury 10 years ago, pregnancy and birth of 2 kids, car accident, working for years with adults with brain injuries and lifting them dependently then switching to pediatrics and picking up/lifting kids, normal wear and tear of motherhood and life, then added in long distance running–previously for years only ran 3-4 miles for exercise–and these insane boot camp like work outs) the less it could hold up until one day it just broke down. As my PT pointed out I have major stability issues, not just in my hips and pelvis, but especially in my lumbar spine, as well as in my entire spine all of the way up to my neck. I use all the wrong muscles to move and have a poor core/base of support. Fascial pain, muscle pain, nerve pain, I guess it all boils down to stability. I guess that’s supposed to be positive because theoretically it can be fixed, right now it is just is overwhelming to think about. I’m so far from where I want to be, so far from being pain free (if that’s even a possibility which I’m told it is). It’s just all so frustrating and I feel like only my hip friends (and I’ve made so many now) truly understand what this feels like. Everyone says patience, and I’m trying to be patient, but it’s not easy when every second of everyday my body is in pain and trying so hard to hold itself together. Forgive me if I don’t sound as positive today, but am just feeling very low and mentally overwhelmed at the moment. Overwhelmed by the enormity of all of this, overwhelmed as I look around my house at things that need done that I just can’t do, overwhelmed by wanting to do things with my kids and be a mom to them outside of these walls but just physically can’t, overwhelmed by wanting to do something simple like go to the grocery store and school supply/school clothing shopping but can’t, overwhelmed by having to go back to work in 5 weeks when I’m a such physical mess and in pain just doing basic life activities, and just overwhelmed by daily life.
On a positive note I was able to sit and bend forward enough to cut and paint my toenails this week (small victory). I also have more range of motion in my hip in all directions, and am looking less and less strange when getting on/off the floor. I can physically walk short distances without a walking device without a limp (but my quad and IT band on operated leg are all tight and knotted up from scope scar tissue so those muscles tighten up fairly quickly and then the limp starts which is one of many reasons I am limited in my ability to walk distances). I know there are more positive, I just can’t think of them right now. Had I written this post Wednesday right after PT I would have had a lot more positivity; however things can change quickly with my body. I’m not too worried about my hip and it getting better, because it is……….more worried about the whole body instability problem and all that comes with that.
I try to tell myself daily that I will be a stronger person when I get through all this. That all of this pain will prepare me either for a bigger struggle later, or to help others in their struggles. I keep telling myself that I just have to get through this. I still cry out to God frequently in my prayers telling him I am trying so hard to be patient, but there is only so much pain a person can handle. Apparently he thinks I can handle more than I think I can handle, so I guess somehow I will make it through. I haven’t resorted to meds, and would rather not, as the few I’ve tried in the past have helped, but they cloud my mind and I don’t like that. Instead I ask God to give me strength to get through the days and to show me my next step I need to take and try so hard to listen to what he says and wait for it. Sometimes he responds to me, sometimes not. I try to distract myself from the pain as best I can so it doesn’t overwhelm me all day, but still that often happens at night when things are quiet here. I did call my surgeon’s office and ask to move my November scope up. He was on vacation and his PA said she would call me next week when he returned and let me know. I just think the sooner I am on the other side of that the sooner I can fully address the instability and see what’s all left. However I’ve really prayed about this before making the call, and what he decides is in God’s hands and whatever the response is I know it will be for the best. In the meantime I just need to be patient I suppose and wait……wait for the next PT visit, wait for the next surgery, wait for the next step. Trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks for reading, until next time.