Well today marks 3 weeks since my left PAO surgery. This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I’ll start with some positive before getting to that though. The surgical pain has continued to decrease, I’m left with tightness, muscle issues, and minor pain in the surgical area now. For the most part I am off the strong pain killers and am now taking only the moderate ones a few times a day. The scar looks fantastic, it’s just a pink line now, it’s hard to believe 3 weeks ago it was a nasty, bloody mess. I can also shower alone (including getting in/out and shaving!!) and get dressed without my reacher (except for socks and tie shoes) and pick things up off of the floor without the reacher. I’ve done a few little things like help put clothes away in the kids rooms and organize them a little bit. I’ve also gotten back into reading again and finished a great book called Home Run, and started another one called the The Vow. They are both books about people overcoming difficult circumstances through the power of God. Very inspiriational and uplifting which is what I need right now. I also got news after last week’s blood work that my platelets and hemoglobin have come back up to almost normal, yeah! I had my last blood work check done yesterday so hopefully I am back completely to normal now. Today I will receive my last Lovenox injection and will go to baby aspirin for 3 more weeks. Double yeah for no more daily shots!! (although I think Yago secretly liked injecting me, lol).
As for the down side, I have gotten extremely depressed this past week. My muscular pains and nerve pain from pre-surgery have come back and that really got me down. I was hoping that magically they would disappear and wouldn’t come back after surgery, but no luck. I know I had the muscle issues due to the underlying structural problem of the hips and now the muscles are so used to working incorrectly I have a feeling it will take a lot to retrain them and get the right ones to work and the wrong ones to calm down. Yago says until then I need to be patient, this could take months to rid of these awful pains. After 2+ years of having this awful pain my patience is running low. I spent the better part of 2 days in bed this week crying on/off, sick of all of this. Sometimes it’s hard to see the end in sight. I’ve put hope in so many interventions that have failed and each time it gets harder to keep the hope and faith that one day I will be pain free. Yago and I had a long conversation after those 2 days about how the previous interventions failed because the root cause (hip dysplasia and torn labrums) were never addressed, and I’ve pulled it together a little bit. I got back to reading my Bible some and listening to my favorite Christian artist Jeremy Camp who sings great ballads and rock songs of hope and faith through difficult circumstances. I wish I could be one of those people who had unfailing faith regardless of life’s circumstances, but this is something I really need to work at on a daily basis in order to function halfway normally. One thing I know I need to stop doing is looking at my past. A couple of weeks ago I said I had stopped doing that, but the thoughts of being an active healthy mom, wife, runner, etc… played in my head this week over and over and I found myself getting angry and bitter which I know is not a good place to be. I find myself craving company of others, but then getting depressed that they don’t understand what it’s like to be trapped in a vicious cycle of chronic pain, so then I just want to isolate from everyone. I know these are not pretty things I write about today, but they are the truth. I can’t sugarcoat this journey, I want others going through a similar hip/chronic pain/surgical journey who find this blog to know the reality of what goes on physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually from an honest stand point.
Anyways, thank you for reading this blog:) I know that God will get me though this, although it’s hard to hold onto that some days, but I know deep inside he will. I know what I hope and pray for the long term outcome to be, but I don’t know what his plan is for me. I’m praying for strength and faith and patience because all of this physical stuff is just out of my control. I’ve cut and pasted one of my favorite Jeremy Camp songs below that gives me strength in the hard moments, it’s such a beautiful song that he wrote after his wife of 4 months, who was only 20 years old, died of ovarian cancer. It’s a song that I think speaks to my heart and is how I feel even on my darkest days. I hope you read the words and/or look it up on YouTube.
“I Still Believe”