My in-laws are arriving this evening from Guatemala to care for our family for the next almost 7 weeks. I am so grateful they are giving us so much time to help out here. I don’t know how we would manage without the help. Having a 4 and 6 year old and being that it’s summertime they definitely won’t want to sit around inside of the house and help mommy out:) I’m happy they will be busy and distracted by their grandparents, especially since they don’t get to see them that often.
It’s so hard to anticipate what all needs to be done before we leave for the next 5 days. I feel like I’m getting ready for vacation (something tells me this won’t be quite as much fun as vacation, lol). Just as I was regaining some control and independence back after getting my scope 5 weeks ago I have to relinquish it all again. I’m learning to let things go, but let me tell you, it’s not easy for a former control freak/perfectionist.
I’ve been feeling better the last few days, more active with less spasms and pain (at least in the left side where the labrum was fixed) which again makes my mind want to question this big surgery. Today I had massage and myofasical therapy and I feel the best I have in over 1 1/2 years, so that makes it hard to go backwards pain, function, and mobility wise again. Doubt and fear are Ugly, Ugly things that creep into my mind that I need to work on ridding my brain of! Looking back at my journey that led up to this point I see how everytime I doubted or questioned or got to the point I thought I could not take the pain and frustration of what I was going through, God always intervened in some way, whether it be an appointment with myofascial or massage opening up last minute, or a doctor visit getting bumped up, or just waking up on a work morning after a horrible night in pain and realizing it was at a tolerable level out of the blue. The people I’ve met and who have worked on me and guided me both physically and spiritually have been amazing. They are my little angels here on earth:)
I met with my Christian lay-counselor last week (who has dealt with 15 years of chronic pain herself) and she asked me if I would want to go back to the person I was 2 years ago given the chance, and if given the choice would I go through it all again. I thought about that long and hard, and have been ever since. The initial answer of course would be I would not want to go through this; chronic pain, dysfunction, and surgery stinks!! However the ways it has transformed me in how I look at myself and at others, and how it has grown my relationship with God I don’t think could have happened without something like this spread out over such a period of time. So what I was seeking spiritually I found, just not in the way I expected to find it (in the midst of a storm where I felt like I was drowning many times over and over again). After thinking my answer over the past week I know I would not want to go back to the person I was 2 years ago and if this storm I’m in is what it took to get me to here then I would go through it all over again.
I don’t think I’ll post again pre-surgery, too much going on the next day and a half. My game plan is to listen to as much worship music as I can to calm my nerves from now until I need to give up my Zune going into pre-op Friday morning, that calms me more than anything. I’m going to try and stop over-thinking things in my over-active frontal lobe, and let the inner peace I feel underneath that fear try and take over. I’ll update when I am coherent post surgery, although it may be short while in the hospital, not great typing a lot on my phone. Wish me luck:)